Hopelessness

I read over my past blog posts and saw myself change even in those short few months. The ignorance I had in the first couple posts, and how it morphed into anger and bitter hurt in later posts. I'm still bitter and hurting. I still haven't moved passed the affair with Nelly or the lies about Mary or Jamie (the recurrence of Jamie back in November) or how he robbed me of my ability to have more kids, etc. I sit here now wondering why I'm still married. I'm still a chicken, I guess. At what point does one say that it's hopeless and call it quits? I feel like we passed that point a long time ago. Even our pastor asked me today, "So what's keeping you in this marriage?" Cowardice. Resentment. Hopelessness.

I'm stuck in a never-ending loop between the 2nd and 4th stages of grieving (anger and depression). Sometimes I experience both at the same time. Those are my worst days. I'm still living in a prescription bottle and resent Justin for driving me there. I went from taking prenatal vitamins and colace every day to taking over a dozen pills for headaches, depression, general health, etc. I even rely on chemical assistance for sleep- which still doesn't give me much. I hate the place I'm in right now.

I see no hope in it at all. I have lost hope that the marriage will ever be something I feel good about being in. I still refuse to wear a wedding ring. I feel like that is merely a symbol of the vows that were long ago shattered. Why bother? I abhor the idea of placing it on my finger- I feel it's such a lie that it almost hurts physically to wear it.

I tried to speak with my grandfather awhile back and tell him how things were. I was looking at apartments in Spokane and checking job listings for RNs. It would be a hard move, but I looked forward to it in a way. But the problem is the house we live in now was purchased with a substantial amount of help from my grandfather. If I run, what of the house? I don't really want it, but what do I do about the money he gave us to help us buy it? It was no small purchase. My mom is even telling me to stick it out because of the house. So is my grandfather (not because of the house, but the kids). I hate feeling like I have no choice but to continue living like this. Makes me want to do something drastic, and permanent, to myself.

Does Justin even know how I feel? I've tried talking to him and it leads to the same place. Nowhere. So now I don't even bother. Most of what I think and feel I don't even tell him. It'll just end up in ugliness. Either I'll get mad because he doesn't really respond, or he'll get mad and we'll end up screaming at each other. I'd like something I told him to sink in, make an impact, etc.Never has. Doubt it'll start now.

I have very little hope for this marriage any more. I think it died the moment he decided to lie.

The Abyss

Part of recovery as an addict or coaddict seems to follow a pretty common pattern. The addict (coaddict) doesn't make true effort to get better until he or she finally hit bottom and have no place left to go but up. I feel I've visited that abyss on many occasions. Sometimes it feels like the bottom is where I dwell. I get so used to the pain and suffering that I don't see there being any "up" journey left for more. And just when I start to feel there is no getting worse, I find even darker depths still.

The abyss that envelopes me is much my own making. I stayed with a man that I knew both lied and cheated on me multiple occasions. I gave him the means to further his addiction. And I have only myself to try and work out of it.

That doesn't make it any easier. But knowing I am to blame does help keep things in perspective. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... Shame on me.

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A Starting Point

One of the hardest things that I've had to do in this whole fiasco is admit that I have a problem as big as my husband's problem. I would look at the things he did and think nothing I did compared to that in "wrongness". That's not entirely true. While I still maintain that what he did was more hurtful it may have been equally harmful to my own issues. Afterall, my behavior allowed him to keep doing it to me over these many years.

So I have started going to meetings for coaddicts called COSA. The jury is still out on how helpful I find them but I do hear my story coming from various people. I'm definitely not alone. COSA has 12 steps just like an addicts group does and I recently started my step 1 using a book the group recommends called "A Gentle Path Through The Twelve Steps" by Patrick Carnes. I first bought it on Kindle not realizing it's a workbook then bought two copies, one for Justin and one for me.

Now I need a sponsor and a guide or two.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone