I have often wondered about sex with a sex addict. How much is too much? What is and isn't healthy? What is and isn't allowable? What feeds the addiction? What nourishes a healthy relationship? I've asked this in a few places but haven't really seen any good answers. One person did say that it was suggested to her by therapists and other sources to remain abstinent for a year (pending clean test results as well). I have been giving it some thought. I have not decided if that's what I will do yet, but it's definitely a strong possibility.
A couple hesitations I have. One- I know that he hasn't been able to last a week without some sort of gratification. So how could he possibly do a year?
- my answer? That's part of his problem that he needs to correct. How he handles the year says a lot about him, and how sincere he is about trying to overcome addiction and become "sober."
My other hesitation- I'm not sure I can last that long. Even with the poor libido that I have, I still get the urge from time to time. Will I go to someone else? Of course not. But I'm afraid that I'll lack the resolve to keep him abstinent if I'm not wanting to be as well.
- my answer? Battling this addiction is mostly his battle, but it does involve me. This is part of my commitment as well as his.
I haven't brougt it up to him yet, and I do not expect that it will be well received. But I am hoping something this drastic could help us recapture (or maybe create) something between us that goes beyond "just sex" and turns physical intimacy into something to be cherished for us both.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
The Bigger Better Deal
Thinking things over in my mind I realize part of my husbands problem is what we all suffer from- wanting what we can't have. Saying "can't" puts a forbidden flavor to it and something about being forbidden can make things more exciting. Do you remember that feeling as a kid when doing something you know the parents won't like? It was usually thrilling unless, of course, you got caught. This is, in part, what fueled Justin's addiction so long. For a brief moment, it was a thrill.
Most of us would agree thrills that break someone's heart, destroy trust, put you in danger of life long diseases are simply not worth it. This is where the "wiring" in an addicts brain (I believe) short circuits. They don't think about that, or care about that, until the deed(s) is done... If ever. Recognizing that flaw in judgment is only a small step in his recovery.
I've also come to realize something else about Justin. I've seen it a long time but had passed it off as the human's typical nature to be underhanded; that is no matter what Justin has it doesn't seem good enough. He's got a raging case of the "I wants" (always has) and this I think fuels much of the discontent in our marriage. Learning to be content with what life gives us is a skill many Americans never master so I can't judge him too harshly, but it is a skill that blooms with maturity.
Justin has a family- a little dysfunctional (what family isn't) but he has something many men would pay a high premium for- a wife that loves him, and three beautiful children. Sure, they all have drawbacks but that alone would make some people feel truly blessed. He also has a house. We don't rent. We are "blessed" with a mortgage so it's ours to do with as we please. It needs work but it's not
In a bad area, overall it's decent size and decently nice. We have 3 cars and he has a motorcycle. Two cars we make payments on- good ol' American dream! One is a Mustang- nice car. We are blessed enough to have two "fun" vehicles. He has a great job at a major airline. He makes $21/hr with no college degree, has excellent benefits and free flying privileges. He's also a licensed private pilot. He flies little Cessnas around, takes friends on scenic tours of the area, etc. Lastly, he's in decent health.
What man would NOT want the things he has? Not a very many.
Yet he hates the house; the paint is lousy, windows are old and drafty, carpets are horrible (compliments of our naughty cat) and we have too much stuff to keep it looking clean and neat. His wife is controlling and overweight. His kids are willful and difficult. His cars are never good enough even in perfect working order. He's constantly griping about his job, politics, etc. He had surgery on his foot and frequently gets foot pain or backaches. Nothing he has is GOOD ENOUGH.
that's such a frustrating thing for me. I know I want things, but if this was all I ever got in life I would know (I do know) I am blessed. It's okay if I never find a better job. Mine pays well, has decent benefits, and is pretty secure. It's stressful, strenuous, frustrating at times- but it's a good job (I'm an RN). My kids drive me crazy, but they're healthy and have great potential. The house needs work- but all that can be fixed. I'm overweight, but generally healthy. I feel I'm capable of contentment on a level he never will be.
Except I'm not perfect either. While he's been vying for sexual excitement among other things I realized for a long time I, too, have been waiting for that bigger better deal. I'm not wanting a sexual thrill but someone who makes me feel safe and loved. Someone I can trust with my heart, who will hold me up in my darkest times, and catch me when I fall. I find myself wondering if there's some man out there wishing he could find a woman that would never lie or cheat, that would love him and all his flaws, that would be his partner through thick and thin. Part of why I haven't left is because I believe that either doesn't exist or will never happen for me. This mindset is just as fatalistic as Justin's never being satisfied. I either need to find that man in my husband, or learn to be happy with what I have in him, or leave so maybe that man will someday find me.
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Most of us would agree thrills that break someone's heart, destroy trust, put you in danger of life long diseases are simply not worth it. This is where the "wiring" in an addicts brain (I believe) short circuits. They don't think about that, or care about that, until the deed(s) is done... If ever. Recognizing that flaw in judgment is only a small step in his recovery.
I've also come to realize something else about Justin. I've seen it a long time but had passed it off as the human's typical nature to be underhanded; that is no matter what Justin has it doesn't seem good enough. He's got a raging case of the "I wants" (always has) and this I think fuels much of the discontent in our marriage. Learning to be content with what life gives us is a skill many Americans never master so I can't judge him too harshly, but it is a skill that blooms with maturity.
Justin has a family- a little dysfunctional (what family isn't) but he has something many men would pay a high premium for- a wife that loves him, and three beautiful children. Sure, they all have drawbacks but that alone would make some people feel truly blessed. He also has a house. We don't rent. We are "blessed" with a mortgage so it's ours to do with as we please. It needs work but it's not
In a bad area, overall it's decent size and decently nice. We have 3 cars and he has a motorcycle. Two cars we make payments on- good ol' American dream! One is a Mustang- nice car. We are blessed enough to have two "fun" vehicles. He has a great job at a major airline. He makes $21/hr with no college degree, has excellent benefits and free flying privileges. He's also a licensed private pilot. He flies little Cessnas around, takes friends on scenic tours of the area, etc. Lastly, he's in decent health.
What man would NOT want the things he has? Not a very many.
Yet he hates the house; the paint is lousy, windows are old and drafty, carpets are horrible (compliments of our naughty cat) and we have too much stuff to keep it looking clean and neat. His wife is controlling and overweight. His kids are willful and difficult. His cars are never good enough even in perfect working order. He's constantly griping about his job, politics, etc. He had surgery on his foot and frequently gets foot pain or backaches. Nothing he has is GOOD ENOUGH.
that's such a frustrating thing for me. I know I want things, but if this was all I ever got in life I would know (I do know) I am blessed. It's okay if I never find a better job. Mine pays well, has decent benefits, and is pretty secure. It's stressful, strenuous, frustrating at times- but it's a good job (I'm an RN). My kids drive me crazy, but they're healthy and have great potential. The house needs work- but all that can be fixed. I'm overweight, but generally healthy. I feel I'm capable of contentment on a level he never will be.
Except I'm not perfect either. While he's been vying for sexual excitement among other things I realized for a long time I, too, have been waiting for that bigger better deal. I'm not wanting a sexual thrill but someone who makes me feel safe and loved. Someone I can trust with my heart, who will hold me up in my darkest times, and catch me when I fall. I find myself wondering if there's some man out there wishing he could find a woman that would never lie or cheat, that would love him and all his flaws, that would be his partner through thick and thin. Part of why I haven't left is because I believe that either doesn't exist or will never happen for me. This mindset is just as fatalistic as Justin's never being satisfied. I either need to find that man in my husband, or learn to be happy with what I have in him, or leave so maybe that man will someday find me.
BlogPress from my iPhone
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