Hopelessness

I read over my past blog posts and saw myself change even in those short few months. The ignorance I had in the first couple posts, and how it morphed into anger and bitter hurt in later posts. I'm still bitter and hurting. I still haven't moved passed the affair with Nelly or the lies about Mary or Jamie (the recurrence of Jamie back in November) or how he robbed me of my ability to have more kids, etc. I sit here now wondering why I'm still married. I'm still a chicken, I guess. At what point does one say that it's hopeless and call it quits? I feel like we passed that point a long time ago. Even our pastor asked me today, "So what's keeping you in this marriage?" Cowardice. Resentment. Hopelessness.

I'm stuck in a never-ending loop between the 2nd and 4th stages of grieving (anger and depression). Sometimes I experience both at the same time. Those are my worst days. I'm still living in a prescription bottle and resent Justin for driving me there. I went from taking prenatal vitamins and colace every day to taking over a dozen pills for headaches, depression, general health, etc. I even rely on chemical assistance for sleep- which still doesn't give me much. I hate the place I'm in right now.

I see no hope in it at all. I have lost hope that the marriage will ever be something I feel good about being in. I still refuse to wear a wedding ring. I feel like that is merely a symbol of the vows that were long ago shattered. Why bother? I abhor the idea of placing it on my finger- I feel it's such a lie that it almost hurts physically to wear it.

I tried to speak with my grandfather awhile back and tell him how things were. I was looking at apartments in Spokane and checking job listings for RNs. It would be a hard move, but I looked forward to it in a way. But the problem is the house we live in now was purchased with a substantial amount of help from my grandfather. If I run, what of the house? I don't really want it, but what do I do about the money he gave us to help us buy it? It was no small purchase. My mom is even telling me to stick it out because of the house. So is my grandfather (not because of the house, but the kids). I hate feeling like I have no choice but to continue living like this. Makes me want to do something drastic, and permanent, to myself.

Does Justin even know how I feel? I've tried talking to him and it leads to the same place. Nowhere. So now I don't even bother. Most of what I think and feel I don't even tell him. It'll just end up in ugliness. Either I'll get mad because he doesn't really respond, or he'll get mad and we'll end up screaming at each other. I'd like something I told him to sink in, make an impact, etc.Never has. Doubt it'll start now.

I have very little hope for this marriage any more. I think it died the moment he decided to lie.