I just found out that Justin's sexual escapade involved no protection and she verbalized want to have a baby and he didn't even withdraw. WTF? I was intending to go get tested but now I know I may not like what I find. May not be chlamydia but could have herpes or HPV. I feel doubly if not triply violated.
I had always taken some consolation knowing I was the only one he had unprotected intercourse with, the only one hr gave his "seed" to and the only one to have his child in her womb. Now I can't guarantee even that is true. I'm hurting even more.
His stupidity astounds me. How could sex ever be worth the damage he wad inflicting. How could a quick lay be worth a family? Yet for a time, if just the hour he spent in her hotel room, it was. I hate him for that.
I'm struggling to find some value
In our marriage. Something we share that he hasn't handed to
a slutty stranger. I'm not sure I can find anything. Besides physical infidelity he's had emotional affairs. So I can't even say I'm the only one he's shared
Intimate feelings/thoughts with. I know I'm not the only one he's given his body to but I sincerely wish I was the only one he gave his heart too.
I'm taking it very hard. Despite praying, reading the bible and talking with our pastor I frequently contemplate suicide. Stupid I know. I'm so tired of pain that can't be erased.
Hope others are having a better
Christmas.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Three Steps Back
Why does it seem like when we are finally making progress something else happens to throw it back in my face? How many "oops"s and "I wasn't thinking straight"s will I have to take before enough is enough? I finally had hope that we were going in the right direction. I finally believed he truly wanted to change. Now... now I'm not so sure.
I'm sure the road to healing is littered with potholes, and this is probably just one of them. But I don't know how many of these "bumps" I can continue to tolerate. I keep thinking somewhere out there a man must be thinking the same thing, wanting a good faithful truthful wife to love and hold, who would be nothing but good and faithful to me as well. I'm not perfect. By no means do I think I am. But I am honest. That has to count for something. But what do I get for my honesty and loyalty? Eleven years faithful. Eleven years honest. Only to look at eleven years being lied to, cheapened, deceived, and cheated on. Why? Why does it keep happening.
So the latest fiasco involves another face from the past. We'll call her Mary, as I don't know if that's her name or not. She goes by something else, but Justin says he thinks that's her name. Looking at the wireless usage for the month, as I do from time to time just to make sure everything is Kosher, I notice a phone number show up from Redding, CA. A year ago, maybe more now, Justin was conversing with a woman from Redding who did "Erotic massage" and kept her business card in his wallet. He never would "lose" the card like I asked him to so I ditched it for him. I told him he needed to have no further contact with her and I thought (stupid me) that was that.
So I'm thinking... "Hmmm, who else does he know in Redding besides that woman from a year ago?" He happened to leave his cell phone at home when he went to work so I decided to see what his call history showed. At first I couldn't find it which puzzled me because you can't delete part of a call history. It's all or nothing, and he hadn't deleted it. So I punched the number into his phone and it came up with his dad & step mom's name. WHAT? When did they get a # in Redding? They didn't, of course. I decided to call it and I heard her voice on the voicemail.
That's all I needed to hear.
So apparently he had a few decent length conversations (15-25 minutes) at 9 at night or thereabouts. He never mentioned once talking to her. He hid her phone number as his dad's. And the best thing he could come up with when confronted was she called him for help to escape an abusing boyfriend.
Okay. BULLSHIT. But let's just pretend that's true (maybe that is what she tells him but it smells rotten if you ask me). Why on EARTH would she call someone who, by Justin's account, is no more than a casual acquaintance to help her escape an abusive boyfriend? Why would she ask him for help when there are plenty of organizations out there that specialize in this? Why would he think it was okay to continue on that premise rather than tell her "this is beyond what I can really help you with, please call..."
He plays it off as him being stupid. That he doesn't know any better. C'mon. Who WOULDN'T know that was a bunch of hooey? Given that he hid the phone number and wasn't fully honest about it (lied about the blocked #s too) tells me it was not innocent and I probably have more to worry about then he would like to let on.
We've been meeting with the pastor. Reading the Bible. I've been praying, don't know if he has. I thought things were going well. I thought he finally got it, and would be making true effort to make it right with me. Then he pulls this and all I can think is wow... this is just going to keep happening isn't it? I'm truly a fool for believing he will ever be capable of change. He is incapable of valuing his relationship with me in the way that I feel I need him to. He is incapable of seeing an attractive woman flirting with him and not seeing a piece of potential tail. I can't stand it. It just ruined all the small amount of progress we have made.
The self-pity is starting to burn out. Now I'm just getting pissed.
And all again at Christmas time. :(
I'm sure the road to healing is littered with potholes, and this is probably just one of them. But I don't know how many of these "bumps" I can continue to tolerate. I keep thinking somewhere out there a man must be thinking the same thing, wanting a good faithful truthful wife to love and hold, who would be nothing but good and faithful to me as well. I'm not perfect. By no means do I think I am. But I am honest. That has to count for something. But what do I get for my honesty and loyalty? Eleven years faithful. Eleven years honest. Only to look at eleven years being lied to, cheapened, deceived, and cheated on. Why? Why does it keep happening.
So the latest fiasco involves another face from the past. We'll call her Mary, as I don't know if that's her name or not. She goes by something else, but Justin says he thinks that's her name. Looking at the wireless usage for the month, as I do from time to time just to make sure everything is Kosher, I notice a phone number show up from Redding, CA. A year ago, maybe more now, Justin was conversing with a woman from Redding who did "Erotic massage" and kept her business card in his wallet. He never would "lose" the card like I asked him to so I ditched it for him. I told him he needed to have no further contact with her and I thought (stupid me) that was that.
So I'm thinking... "Hmmm, who else does he know in Redding besides that woman from a year ago?" He happened to leave his cell phone at home when he went to work so I decided to see what his call history showed. At first I couldn't find it which puzzled me because you can't delete part of a call history. It's all or nothing, and he hadn't deleted it. So I punched the number into his phone and it came up with his dad & step mom's name. WHAT? When did they get a # in Redding? They didn't, of course. I decided to call it and I heard her voice on the voicemail.
That's all I needed to hear.
So apparently he had a few decent length conversations (15-25 minutes) at 9 at night or thereabouts. He never mentioned once talking to her. He hid her phone number as his dad's. And the best thing he could come up with when confronted was she called him for help to escape an abusing boyfriend.
Okay. BULLSHIT. But let's just pretend that's true (maybe that is what she tells him but it smells rotten if you ask me). Why on EARTH would she call someone who, by Justin's account, is no more than a casual acquaintance to help her escape an abusive boyfriend? Why would she ask him for help when there are plenty of organizations out there that specialize in this? Why would he think it was okay to continue on that premise rather than tell her "this is beyond what I can really help you with, please call..."
He plays it off as him being stupid. That he doesn't know any better. C'mon. Who WOULDN'T know that was a bunch of hooey? Given that he hid the phone number and wasn't fully honest about it (lied about the blocked #s too) tells me it was not innocent and I probably have more to worry about then he would like to let on.
We've been meeting with the pastor. Reading the Bible. I've been praying, don't know if he has. I thought things were going well. I thought he finally got it, and would be making true effort to make it right with me. Then he pulls this and all I can think is wow... this is just going to keep happening isn't it? I'm truly a fool for believing he will ever be capable of change. He is incapable of valuing his relationship with me in the way that I feel I need him to. He is incapable of seeing an attractive woman flirting with him and not seeing a piece of potential tail. I can't stand it. It just ruined all the small amount of progress we have made.
The self-pity is starting to burn out. Now I'm just getting pissed.
And all again at Christmas time. :(
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Expectations
The wounds are still very fresh for me, and though I think we are finally heading in the right direction I know to expect some ups and downs on this journey. Part of what I struggle with on a daily basis is whether or not he's doing what I think he should be doing. Sometimes he meets my expectations, other times he doesn't.
What is fair to expect of him? I know over these many years of infidelities, and lies that I expect him to show some sort of remorse. In the book, Hope After Betrayal, the author Meg Wilson talks about how her husband crumpled to the floor and sobbed. Why hasn't my husband ever done that? I have never seen him do anything that shows that he truly feels bad for what he's done. Seems more like he feels bad he got caught. Is it that he just isn't an emotional kind of guy? Or am I right about how I perceive he feels? I can tell you it certainly seemed like over these years that getting caught red-handed in the midst of a lie has only taught him one thing- how not to get caught next time.
Sometimes I feel very encouraged. He went to a meeting for addicts last Saturday, though it was poorly attended he did do a lot of talking. This is encouraging. I bought him the book for the program. I think he'll read it. But he still insists on pushing through with his pilot career goals even after I've told him- NEVER will I be able to trust you in a setting like that. NEVER. I may be cruel to say that, but c'mon... as a pilot there are women aplenty and opportunities abound to have unfaithful relations. Why would I want my husband, whose tendency towards unfaithfulness is well established, to be in an area that would put constant temptation all around him? Gambling addicts shouldn't be blackjack dealers. Enough said.
I try from time to time to talk to him about this, but he isn't real receptive to it yet. Maybe he never will be. Maybe I just don't approach it right. He says I have the full disclosure now, though I still feel like maybe not all the nitty gritty has been told. The group says part of step 1 is to write down ALL things he has done, but when I asked him about it he said "That's only said during the meetings." I'm not one to appreciate secrecy so that bothers me. If I have the full disclosure, why can't I be privy to what he "confesses" to anyway? Makes me thing maybe I don't have the full facts- just the big ones. But if I insist on seeing his written timeline he prepares for the group- will I simply hinder his progress? Probably, which means he needs to show me because he wants to, because he knows it's the right thing to do, but not because I insist. Time will be the judge.
I know I should be thankful for any progress we make, no matter how small, but disappointment keeps creeping in when I'm not seeing what I think I should be seeing from him. I just wish he looked sorry. My heart would heal better if I knew his had suffered as well.
What is fair to expect of him? I know over these many years of infidelities, and lies that I expect him to show some sort of remorse. In the book, Hope After Betrayal, the author Meg Wilson talks about how her husband crumpled to the floor and sobbed. Why hasn't my husband ever done that? I have never seen him do anything that shows that he truly feels bad for what he's done. Seems more like he feels bad he got caught. Is it that he just isn't an emotional kind of guy? Or am I right about how I perceive he feels? I can tell you it certainly seemed like over these years that getting caught red-handed in the midst of a lie has only taught him one thing- how not to get caught next time.
Sometimes I feel very encouraged. He went to a meeting for addicts last Saturday, though it was poorly attended he did do a lot of talking. This is encouraging. I bought him the book for the program. I think he'll read it. But he still insists on pushing through with his pilot career goals even after I've told him- NEVER will I be able to trust you in a setting like that. NEVER. I may be cruel to say that, but c'mon... as a pilot there are women aplenty and opportunities abound to have unfaithful relations. Why would I want my husband, whose tendency towards unfaithfulness is well established, to be in an area that would put constant temptation all around him? Gambling addicts shouldn't be blackjack dealers. Enough said.
I try from time to time to talk to him about this, but he isn't real receptive to it yet. Maybe he never will be. Maybe I just don't approach it right. He says I have the full disclosure now, though I still feel like maybe not all the nitty gritty has been told. The group says part of step 1 is to write down ALL things he has done, but when I asked him about it he said "That's only said during the meetings." I'm not one to appreciate secrecy so that bothers me. If I have the full disclosure, why can't I be privy to what he "confesses" to anyway? Makes me thing maybe I don't have the full facts- just the big ones. But if I insist on seeing his written timeline he prepares for the group- will I simply hinder his progress? Probably, which means he needs to show me because he wants to, because he knows it's the right thing to do, but not because I insist. Time will be the judge.
I know I should be thankful for any progress we make, no matter how small, but disappointment keeps creeping in when I'm not seeing what I think I should be seeing from him. I just wish he looked sorry. My heart would heal better if I knew his had suffered as well.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Words of Wisdom
I'm one of those people that looks at the self-help section of the book store and says "Blah, not for me!" Who can possibly write words in a book that would apply to me? Who would read them? But, desperate for anything to help me get through this I decided to search out books on sex addiction. I think in part I had hoped to find one that my husband would read. He is now trudging through the pages of the South Beach Diet Supercharged, and I'm impressed by his dedication. If only he could do the same thing in a book that might help "fix" us. Instead, I found a book that was more for me. I was skeptical at first. I downloaded a sample on my Amazon Kindle and read the preface.
The book is called "Hope After Betrayal: Healing When Sexual Addiction Invades Your Marriage"
I don't believe there could have been a book written more about my story, about how I currently feel and have felt in the past, if I had commissioned it myself. On these pages the author, Meg Wilson, writes about how she felt when her husband disclosed the extent of his addiction to her. At first it was "just pornography" and she had found some false comfort in that as I did so many years ago. Then, she was faced with the reality that it was most definitely not "just pornography" and felt blind-sided. This is, what she refers to, the "Blackout" as that is how it feels when it occurs.
I decided to pay the $8.85 and purchase it. I have made it to chapter 3 thus far, and continue to find the words true, hope-inspiring, insightful, and in some ways comforting. This book was definitely for me. The Kindle was my husband's gift to me, but finding this book I definitely think was God's.
Is a book an answer to my problems? Absolutely not. But it is, I think, a useful tool to help me realize that this uphill battle is not just my husband's responsibility but mine as well. It reinforces what I already knew but had difficulties accepting; I need to trust God with my life, fears, hopes, dreams and in Him I will find the path to my own peace.
It has journal prompts at the end of each chapter that will get you thinking. I've been highlighting like a crazy woman all the passages I think strike home, hold truth, or inspire a thought that I may have overlooked before.
The resounding theme I've read thus far that I find most comfort in, yet also have the hardest time accepting, is: It's not my fault!
What do you struggle with the most? Asking "Why?" Thinking that if you were prettier, or more sexually available or exciting that it would not have come to this? Trusting God? If I can be any comforting ear to you at all, feel free to email me- mommyauri@gmail.com If for nothing else, to know you're not alone.
The book is called "Hope After Betrayal: Healing When Sexual Addiction Invades Your Marriage"
I don't believe there could have been a book written more about my story, about how I currently feel and have felt in the past, if I had commissioned it myself. On these pages the author, Meg Wilson, writes about how she felt when her husband disclosed the extent of his addiction to her. At first it was "just pornography" and she had found some false comfort in that as I did so many years ago. Then, she was faced with the reality that it was most definitely not "just pornography" and felt blind-sided. This is, what she refers to, the "Blackout" as that is how it feels when it occurs.
I decided to pay the $8.85 and purchase it. I have made it to chapter 3 thus far, and continue to find the words true, hope-inspiring, insightful, and in some ways comforting. This book was definitely for me. The Kindle was my husband's gift to me, but finding this book I definitely think was God's.
Is a book an answer to my problems? Absolutely not. But it is, I think, a useful tool to help me realize that this uphill battle is not just my husband's responsibility but mine as well. It reinforces what I already knew but had difficulties accepting; I need to trust God with my life, fears, hopes, dreams and in Him I will find the path to my own peace.
It has journal prompts at the end of each chapter that will get you thinking. I've been highlighting like a crazy woman all the passages I think strike home, hold truth, or inspire a thought that I may have overlooked before.
The resounding theme I've read thus far that I find most comfort in, yet also have the hardest time accepting, is: It's not my fault!
What do you struggle with the most? Asking "Why?" Thinking that if you were prettier, or more sexually available or exciting that it would not have come to this? Trusting God? If I can be any comforting ear to you at all, feel free to email me- mommyauri@gmail.com If for nothing else, to know you're not alone.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
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