Why does it seem like when we are finally making progress something else happens to throw it back in my face? How many "oops"s and "I wasn't thinking straight"s will I have to take before enough is enough? I finally had hope that we were going in the right direction. I finally believed he truly wanted to change. Now... now I'm not so sure.
I'm sure the road to healing is littered with potholes, and this is probably just one of them. But I don't know how many of these "bumps" I can continue to tolerate. I keep thinking somewhere out there a man must be thinking the same thing, wanting a good faithful truthful wife to love and hold, who would be nothing but good and faithful to me as well. I'm not perfect. By no means do I think I am. But I am honest. That has to count for something. But what do I get for my honesty and loyalty? Eleven years faithful. Eleven years honest. Only to look at eleven years being lied to, cheapened, deceived, and cheated on. Why? Why does it keep happening.
So the latest fiasco involves another face from the past. We'll call her Mary, as I don't know if that's her name or not. She goes by something else, but Justin says he thinks that's her name. Looking at the wireless usage for the month, as I do from time to time just to make sure everything is Kosher, I notice a phone number show up from Redding, CA. A year ago, maybe more now, Justin was conversing with a woman from Redding who did "Erotic massage" and kept her business card in his wallet. He never would "lose" the card like I asked him to so I ditched it for him. I told him he needed to have no further contact with her and I thought (stupid me) that was that.
So I'm thinking... "Hmmm, who else does he know in Redding besides that woman from a year ago?" He happened to leave his cell phone at home when he went to work so I decided to see what his call history showed. At first I couldn't find it which puzzled me because you can't delete part of a call history. It's all or nothing, and he hadn't deleted it. So I punched the number into his phone and it came up with his dad & step mom's name. WHAT? When did they get a # in Redding? They didn't, of course. I decided to call it and I heard her voice on the voicemail.
That's all I needed to hear.
So apparently he had a few decent length conversations (15-25 minutes) at 9 at night or thereabouts. He never mentioned once talking to her. He hid her phone number as his dad's. And the best thing he could come up with when confronted was she called him for help to escape an abusing boyfriend.
Okay. BULLSHIT. But let's just pretend that's true (maybe that is what she tells him but it smells rotten if you ask me). Why on EARTH would she call someone who, by Justin's account, is no more than a casual acquaintance to help her escape an abusive boyfriend? Why would she ask him for help when there are plenty of organizations out there that specialize in this? Why would he think it was okay to continue on that premise rather than tell her "this is beyond what I can really help you with, please call..."
He plays it off as him being stupid. That he doesn't know any better. C'mon. Who WOULDN'T know that was a bunch of hooey? Given that he hid the phone number and wasn't fully honest about it (lied about the blocked #s too) tells me it was not innocent and I probably have more to worry about then he would like to let on.
We've been meeting with the pastor. Reading the Bible. I've been praying, don't know if he has. I thought things were going well. I thought he finally got it, and would be making true effort to make it right with me. Then he pulls this and all I can think is wow... this is just going to keep happening isn't it? I'm truly a fool for believing he will ever be capable of change. He is incapable of valuing his relationship with me in the way that I feel I need him to. He is incapable of seeing an attractive woman flirting with him and not seeing a piece of potential tail. I can't stand it. It just ruined all the small amount of progress we have made.
The self-pity is starting to burn out. Now I'm just getting pissed.
And all again at Christmas time. :(
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