Hopelessness

I read over my past blog posts and saw myself change even in those short few months. The ignorance I had in the first couple posts, and how it morphed into anger and bitter hurt in later posts. I'm still bitter and hurting. I still haven't moved passed the affair with Nelly or the lies about Mary or Jamie (the recurrence of Jamie back in November) or how he robbed me of my ability to have more kids, etc. I sit here now wondering why I'm still married. I'm still a chicken, I guess. At what point does one say that it's hopeless and call it quits? I feel like we passed that point a long time ago. Even our pastor asked me today, "So what's keeping you in this marriage?" Cowardice. Resentment. Hopelessness.

I'm stuck in a never-ending loop between the 2nd and 4th stages of grieving (anger and depression). Sometimes I experience both at the same time. Those are my worst days. I'm still living in a prescription bottle and resent Justin for driving me there. I went from taking prenatal vitamins and colace every day to taking over a dozen pills for headaches, depression, general health, etc. I even rely on chemical assistance for sleep- which still doesn't give me much. I hate the place I'm in right now.

I see no hope in it at all. I have lost hope that the marriage will ever be something I feel good about being in. I still refuse to wear a wedding ring. I feel like that is merely a symbol of the vows that were long ago shattered. Why bother? I abhor the idea of placing it on my finger- I feel it's such a lie that it almost hurts physically to wear it.

I tried to speak with my grandfather awhile back and tell him how things were. I was looking at apartments in Spokane and checking job listings for RNs. It would be a hard move, but I looked forward to it in a way. But the problem is the house we live in now was purchased with a substantial amount of help from my grandfather. If I run, what of the house? I don't really want it, but what do I do about the money he gave us to help us buy it? It was no small purchase. My mom is even telling me to stick it out because of the house. So is my grandfather (not because of the house, but the kids). I hate feeling like I have no choice but to continue living like this. Makes me want to do something drastic, and permanent, to myself.

Does Justin even know how I feel? I've tried talking to him and it leads to the same place. Nowhere. So now I don't even bother. Most of what I think and feel I don't even tell him. It'll just end up in ugliness. Either I'll get mad because he doesn't really respond, or he'll get mad and we'll end up screaming at each other. I'd like something I told him to sink in, make an impact, etc.Never has. Doubt it'll start now.

I have very little hope for this marriage any more. I think it died the moment he decided to lie.

The Abyss

Part of recovery as an addict or coaddict seems to follow a pretty common pattern. The addict (coaddict) doesn't make true effort to get better until he or she finally hit bottom and have no place left to go but up. I feel I've visited that abyss on many occasions. Sometimes it feels like the bottom is where I dwell. I get so used to the pain and suffering that I don't see there being any "up" journey left for more. And just when I start to feel there is no getting worse, I find even darker depths still.

The abyss that envelopes me is much my own making. I stayed with a man that I knew both lied and cheated on me multiple occasions. I gave him the means to further his addiction. And I have only myself to try and work out of it.

That doesn't make it any easier. But knowing I am to blame does help keep things in perspective. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... Shame on me.

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A Starting Point

One of the hardest things that I've had to do in this whole fiasco is admit that I have a problem as big as my husband's problem. I would look at the things he did and think nothing I did compared to that in "wrongness". That's not entirely true. While I still maintain that what he did was more hurtful it may have been equally harmful to my own issues. Afterall, my behavior allowed him to keep doing it to me over these many years.

So I have started going to meetings for coaddicts called COSA. The jury is still out on how helpful I find them but I do hear my story coming from various people. I'm definitely not alone. COSA has 12 steps just like an addicts group does and I recently started my step 1 using a book the group recommends called "A Gentle Path Through The Twelve Steps" by Patrick Carnes. I first bought it on Kindle not realizing it's a workbook then bought two copies, one for Justin and one for me.

Now I need a sponsor and a guide or two.


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Badge of Courage

Justin has been attending meetings for his issue lately. We have also been talking with our pastor on a weekly basis. From both sources people have complemented me on being so strong to stay with my husband through all that has happened. Most women would leave, give up, throw in the towel. But they complement me on sticking it out for so long.

For a brief moment I was flattered. We all like to hear nice things about ourselves and I'm no different. In fact if anything I probably crave it more than many would because my self esteem has been so badly battered in the years I've been married. But the brief feeling of honor died quickly. It made me examine the fact I have stayed through a great many transgressions over many years. And I realized something about myself. I didn't deserve the praise. The fact I have stayed isn't a sign if my strength or courage. It isn't something to celebrate. It's a symbol of my cowardice, and codependency. I should be ashamed that I'm still with an unfaithful man, not proud.

If Justin were a wife beater and I had stayed this long through as many slip ups as I have nobody would think the better of me for it. They would start to say I deserve it, or I'm stupid. They would chastise me for raising my children to think this is an acceptable thing to deal with, and you just have to take it. So I don't understand how anyone can look at me and see strength or resolve rather than a complete absence of it.

I'm a coward. I always have been. Afraid to be hurt. Afraid of the unknown, of being alone, having to run a household and raise kids by myself. Afraid to give his family the satisfaction of being right about me. Afraid to have his happiness with other women flaunted in my face.

Not courageous at all.

A Year of Purity?

I have often wondered about sex with a sex addict. How much is too much? What is and isn't healthy? What is and isn't allowable? What feeds the addiction? What nourishes a healthy relationship? I've asked this in a few places but haven't really seen any good answers. One person did say that it was suggested to her by therapists and other sources to remain abstinent for a year (pending clean test results as well). I have been giving it some thought. I have not decided if that's what I will do yet, but it's definitely a strong possibility.

A couple hesitations I have. One- I know that he hasn't been able to last a week without some sort of gratification. So how could he possibly do a year?
- my answer? That's part of his problem that he needs to correct. How he handles the year says a lot about him, and how sincere he is about trying to overcome addiction and become "sober."

My other hesitation- I'm not sure I can last that long. Even with the poor libido that I have, I still get the urge from time to time. Will I go to someone else? Of course not. But I'm afraid that I'll lack the resolve to keep him abstinent if I'm not wanting to be as well.
- my answer? Battling this addiction is mostly his battle, but it does involve me. This is part of my commitment as well as his.

I haven't brougt it up to him yet, and I do not expect that it will be well received. But I am hoping something this drastic could help us recapture (or maybe create) something between us that goes beyond "just sex" and turns physical intimacy into something to be cherished for us both.

The Bigger Better Deal

Thinking things over in my mind I realize part of my husbands problem is what we all suffer from- wanting what we can't have. Saying "can't" puts a forbidden flavor to it and something about being forbidden can make things more exciting. Do you remember that feeling as a kid when doing something you know the parents won't like? It was usually thrilling unless, of course, you got caught. This is, in part, what fueled Justin's addiction so long. For a brief moment, it was a thrill.

Most of us would agree thrills that break someone's heart, destroy trust, put you in danger of life long diseases are simply not worth it. This is where the "wiring" in an addicts brain (I believe) short circuits. They don't think about that, or care about that, until the deed(s) is done... If ever. Recognizing that flaw in judgment is only a small step in his recovery.

I've also come to realize something else about Justin. I've seen it a long time but had passed it off as the human's typical nature to be underhanded; that is no matter what Justin has it doesn't seem good enough. He's got a raging case of the "I wants" (always has) and this I think fuels much of the discontent in our marriage. Learning to be content with what life gives us is a skill many Americans never master so I can't judge him too harshly, but it is a skill that blooms with maturity.

Justin has a family- a little dysfunctional (what family isn't) but he has something many men would pay a high premium for- a wife that loves him, and three beautiful children. Sure, they all have drawbacks but that alone would make some people feel truly blessed. He also has a house. We don't rent. We are "blessed" with a mortgage so it's ours to do with as we please. It needs work but it's not
In a bad area, overall it's decent size and decently nice. We have 3 cars and he has a motorcycle. Two cars we make payments on- good ol' American dream! One is a Mustang- nice car. We are blessed enough to have two "fun" vehicles. He has a great job at a major airline. He makes $21/hr with no college degree, has excellent benefits and free flying privileges. He's also a licensed private pilot. He flies little Cessnas around, takes friends on scenic tours of the area, etc. Lastly, he's in decent health.

What man would NOT want the things he has? Not a very many.

Yet he hates the house; the paint is lousy, windows are old and drafty, carpets are horrible (compliments of our naughty cat) and we have too much stuff to keep it looking clean and neat. His wife is controlling and overweight. His kids are willful and difficult. His cars are never good enough even in perfect working order. He's constantly griping about his job, politics, etc. He had surgery on his foot and frequently gets foot pain or backaches. Nothing he has is GOOD ENOUGH.

that's such a frustrating thing for me. I know I want things, but if this was all I ever got in life I would know (I do know) I am blessed. It's okay if I never find a better job. Mine pays well, has decent benefits, and is pretty secure. It's stressful, strenuous, frustrating at times- but it's a good job (I'm an RN). My kids drive me crazy, but they're healthy and have great potential. The house needs work- but all that can be fixed. I'm overweight, but generally healthy. I feel I'm capable of contentment on a level he never will be.

Except I'm not perfect either. While he's been vying for sexual excitement among other things I realized for a long time I, too, have been waiting for that bigger better deal. I'm not wanting a sexual thrill but someone who makes me feel safe and loved. Someone I can trust with my heart, who will hold me up in my darkest times, and catch me when I fall. I find myself wondering if there's some man out there wishing he could find a woman that would never lie or cheat, that would love him and all his flaws, that would be his partner through thick and thin. Part of why I haven't left is because I believe that either doesn't exist or will never happen for me. This mindset is just as fatalistic as Justin's never being satisfied. I either need to find that man in my husband, or learn to be happy with what I have in him, or leave so maybe that man will someday find me.





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